Christian Vs. Keanu
I’m ashamed to admit this now, but my first celebrity crush was on a crazy Scientologist. Granted, I didn’t know when I was in third grade and watching “Top Gun” what a complete freak show Tom Cruise would turn out to be; all I saw was a cute guy with a great smile named Maverick. My crush on Tommy boy lived all the way through grade school until junior high, when I discovered a little hottie named Christian Slater.
Oh, Christian! He was always the rebel. The bad boy. I lusted after his prepubescent body in “The Legend of Billy Jean” and “Gleaming The Cube.” Then, he grew into full-blown hotness in “Pump Up The Volume,” “Young Guns,” and “Heathers.” LOVED him in “Heathers!” He was channeling a creepy, Jack Nicholson-esque vibe and I dug it. He even starred with Patrick Dempsey in “Mobsters.” Patrick was my secret crush because he was still pretty dorky back then (who the hell knew he would turn into McDreamy?!), but according to my Seventeen magazine, he and Christian did not get along on set. Patrick found Christian to be very temperamental, but that only made me like him more.
As I matured into a high schooler, my tasted in men changed as well. That’s when I saw “Point Break” starring one Mr. Keanu Reeves and I was instantly taken by him. OH MY GOD he was HOOOOOT! And he still is! Sadly, Christian’s hairline has seen better days, but Keanu looks almost exactly the same after all these years. I think this just proves the fact that stoners age quite well 
Sure, he sounds like a surfer when he speaks, but I was willing to over look that one tiny flaw. He was just too beautiful. “Speed” really sealed the deal for me. I had a snow day at school, so my mom and I rented that movie and watched it to pass the time. I think even though my mom can’t pronounce his name to save her life, that she had a bit of a crush on him, too.
I distinctly remember cutting out pictures of Christian and Keanu from all my teeny bopper magazines and taping them to the full length mirror in my bedroom. It was like a shrine of hotness. I fully believed I was going to grow up and marry one of them. And you know what? I do believe they are both single at the moment…
She Must Have Been High…
Okay boys and girls, today’s post is brought to us by one of my friends who is a self-proclaimed “stoner.” Their name has been left out to protect their identity,however, I now have future blackmail material for the rest of their life. Yeah, I basically own this bitch now Enjoy!
Sometimes I think I’m clever when I’m high and I write things down that I either want to do or create. Sometimes I even write ideas for movies and short films. I then stick these things in random places… like the back of notebooks, magazines, or a book I was reading at the time and come across it months later with no recollection of it other than I can recognize my own handwriting. While it’s amusing to read afterward, I always feel embarrassed for my stoned self. The high me thinks, “This is the best idea ever!” and the sober me thinks, “You are a fucking pot head.”
Must’ve Been High, Finding #1
I’m going to type this exactly as it’s written so it’s not going to make much sense. I think it was an idea for a mockumentary.
Audition-
Fake auditions to find widower’s ideal woman to marry.
It will be a romantic story based on the widower’s documentary.
Love triangle between a dancer, a patron, and a down syndrome boy.
-Film Maker- will arrange the story.
So is the “Film Maker” a character in the mockumentary or was I already passing the buck for completing this clusterfuck of an idea to the film maker who “will arrange the story”? It’s like I thought I was cranking out million dollar ideas. “You want this nugget… it’ll cost ya! Now go finish the story and let me smoke my dope” And WTF… in what universe would a dancer, a patron, and a down syndrome boy become entangled in a love triangle?
The only answer is… I must’ve been really high.
The Joys of Cooking
Is there anyone out there who truly enjoys cooking and if so, please tell me why. I just don’t get it. Granted, I was raised by a woman who thought scrambled eggs constituted a gourmet dinner, so I really don’t come by this skill naturally. If I can’t microwave, boil or re-heat something in under 10 minutes, then it’s just not worth my time.
I know some people find cooking to be a creative outlet or a stress reliever after a long day at work, but I find coming home and doing an additional two hours worth of cooking to be a stress inducer. I stand on my feet all day; the last thing I want to do is slave over a hot meal. And it’s not that I can’t cook, I just choose not to cook. I can follow a recipe if one is set before me, but it’s not something I would ever voluntarily do. I also have so few foods in my pantry at any given time, that to whip up an impromptu dinner would consist of peanut butter, Spanish rice, bread, eggs and Fiber One bars. Hmm, that sounds yummy, doesn’t it?
So far, I’ve been lucky in my avoidance of cooking because I have only myself to feed. I’m a little worried about what’s going to happen when I get married and have kids. I guess that’s what a crockpot was invented for; just dump a bunch of food into a pot and heat the hell out of it. You can make virtually anything into a stew, right? Maybe I’ll have to call up my mom and get her special family recipe for all the following dinners I was raised on: popcorn, ice cream, Stove Top stuffing, Kraft Mac & Cheese, burnt pork chops, dry hamburgers, mystery meatloaf, any kind of canned vegetable and the afore mentioned scrambled eggs. Now, combine any two foods from the list and that was what we ate for dinner. Every night. I’m not kidding. Yes, my future husband will be a lucky, lucky man. Oh well, at least I’m good at cleaning.
The (Depraved) Facts Of Life
This past week I just learned some new and very interesting facts of life which I have to share with my readers. Just when I thought I had heard it all, my friends prove they are still full of depraved and fascinating information. Enjoy these tidbits of wisdom and keep passing them along to the next eager beaver!
Did you know that if you are a woman and you are menstruating, you cannot go anywhere near monkeys or they will try to have sex with you? I did not know this, either! My friend’s boss used to be a researcher of some sort and he has very extensive knowledge of the ape world. Here’s another insight… you can make a monkey ejaculate by sticking an electronic probe up it’s ass. Now, I know everyone reading this is going to IMMIEDIANTLY got out and try this little party trick, but don’t do it. You must be a highly trained scientist to perform a feat of this nature.
My other (male) friend just informed me about the joys of having a piss boner. He called it a “poner” and apparently this is when a guy wakes up in the morning with an erection, but it’s really just caused by him having to urinate. As soon as they pee, it goes away. Why in all my 31 years on the planet have I never heard of this before?
I also found out that there is something more extreme than a woman‘s “camel toe.” Readers, if you are not familiar with what a camel toe is, then you are just going to have to Google that shit for yourself because I am NOT describing one. Anyway, it’s come to my attention that an extreme camel toe is called a “moose knuckle.” Oh my God, WHY DID I NOT KNOW THIS?! I hope to hell I never have to meet a person who would actually be sporting a moose knuckle. I shudder just to think what that must look like.
I know you all will want to send me “thank you” cards for this enlightening post, but it’s really not necessary. If I can save just one menstruating woman from getting raped by a monkey, then I’ve done my job and I can sleep soundly at night knowing the world is a safer place. Amen.
Ramblings From A Sick Mind
I’m sick and feel like crap. Actually, it’s not all that severe, but I’m blowing my nose every two minutes and I have that all-over feeling of being run down. I kind of feel like I’m stoned, but not in a fun way. Here are the three things that are making me feel a tiny bit better.
I am flipping through the channels because there is NOTHING good on at 10:00 a.m., when lo and behold I stumble upon one of my all-time favorite films, “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.” It stars Robert Downey, Jr. (post-rehab) and Val Kilmer, both of whom can make me feel tingly, in a fun way, any day of the week. The movie came out a couple of years ago and didn’t receive much press. I stumbled upon it at the video store last year and thought it looked interesting. It’s set in modern day L.A. and it’s kind of a dark comedy, but the tone of the film is like one of those old detective novels. It’s SOOOO good. I’ve now watched it at least a dozen times and I notice something new about it with each screening.
I’m also re-reading one of my favorite books from my favorite writer, Arthur Nersesian. It’s called “The Fuck-Up” and it’s like an updated/grittier version “Catcher In The Rye.” All of Nersesian’s books, at least the four I’ve read so far, are set in New York, which is where he’s from. This particular story is about a young man in his twenties struggling to get by and his many crazy adventures along the way. Right now, I’m at the part in the story where he’s posing as a gay man so he can run a gay porno theater. I love coming-of-age stories with a twist and this a great one.
And lastly, I’m sipping on some Meijer’s brand French roast coffee and it’s absolutely delicious! I am a coffee snob and I was very skeptical about trying the generic store brand, but it’s amazing! And cheap!
I’m hoping that the trifecta of these things will combine to make me feel half-way human again by tomorrow. I am not wasting another of my precious days off being sick!
An Open Letter To Taylor Swift
Dear Taylor Swift,
Let’s have a chat. You are one of the few young singers today who doesn’t make my ears explode when I hear one of your songs. You are a genuinely talented singer/songwriter/musician and on top of that, you seem like a really sweet girl. So why, why, why are you starting to hang around one of the biggest pieces of shit walking the earth right now?!
I just saw a picture of you and colossal dick worm, John Mayer, cozying up to one another the other night in Nashville. NOOOOOO! Taylor, do you not read any of his press?! He is a self-absorbed, narcissistic prick. He is TROUBLE with a capital Douche! He will take your good girl virginal ass and tear you up! By all accounts, he likes to come in through the back door and leave you with a golden shower…if you know what I mean.
SPRINT away from this dick worm as fast as you can and do not look back. Your mother should be throwing a chastity belt on your ass ASAP and taking you into the witness protection program for a while until he finds his next victim. I will be holding a candle light vigil in your honor tonight in the hopes you come out of all this still pure and unscathed.
Keep those legs crossed,
Brooke Amanda
Dude, We Gotta Go…I Just Sharded
Every time I want to lose weight, I start exercising hard-core for about a month and count every calorie that passes through my lips. I inevitably loose ten pounds right away and then…nothing. I get so frustrated that I eventually stop working out altogether and start eating a nutritiously balanced diet of Frito Lay Queso Dip and Scoops.
I’m thinking that I may need some help in the dieting department and I’m considering buying those Alli diet pills to help me in my personal fat battle. On the one hand, I feel very confident in it’s ability to block the fat absorption in the body because it is the only diet pill that’s approved by the FDA. On the other hand, one of the side effects of taking Alli is “oily gas.” What the hell is “oily gas?!” Is that when you go to fart and accidentally shard yourself?! Is calling it “oily gas” the classy way of saying, “Look Fatty, you may shit yourself while taking this drug, so wear dark panties for awhile and be prepared to run for dear life to the nearest bathroom at a moments notice. Good luck!”
Am I willing to shard myself in order to lose weight because I have to squeeze myself into a bridesmaid’s dress in four months? Yes, yes I am. Any diet pill that’s good enough for Wynonna Judd is good enough for me. Let the dieting begin!
Riding That Crazy Train
I’m confused. A year ago, Joaquin Phoenix said he was going to retire from acting and become a rapper. He grew out his hair, dressed like a homeless person and started acting batshit crazy. He kept this act up for a few months, then virtually disappeared off the face of the earth. I have not seen one picture of him in months, until today.
All of a sudden, he’s clean shaven and coherent again! The weird thing is, he’s doing a PSA for a suicide prevention organization. The weirder thing is, his co-star in the PSA is MILEY FUCKING CYRUS!!! Um…what?! How in the holy hell did these two end up in the same room, at the same time, doing a video together? It’s like they picked random celebrities’ names out of a hat and put them together. You know, I didn’t really think Joaquin was crazy before, but now that he’s paling around with Miss Cyrus, I’m started to seriously question his sanity.
I Heart Snooki!
Oh sweet Jesus, please help me because I’ve now turned into a “Jersey Shore” watching, Bumpit wanting, Snooki loving freak. I heard a lot about this show in the media before I had even seen an episode, then last weekend MTV ran a marathon of all the episodes and I got hooked.
For those of you living under a rock and have no clue what this show is about, I’ll give you a high-level overview of things. MTV took a bunch of dirt balls from New Jersey, put them up in a house on the boardwalk that looks like it was decorated in 1975 (and looks like it would smell like fish mixed with sweat), then filmed the ensuing chaos that followed.
Here’s how EVERY episode plays out…the gang goes out to bars, gets totally wasted, gets into a fight or two (the girls included), then they all go back to the sweaty fish house to eat and pass out. Then they wake up the next day, go tanning, workout, and get their hair done. And so on and so on. This formula does not change.
I haven’t bothered to learn any of the characters names because they all look the same to me, that is with the exception of Snooki and a man who calls himself “The Situation.” I must have missed the episode were they explained why they have those nicknames, but I heart Snookers so much, I’m considering naming my first born child after her. I feel the name works equally well for a girl or a boy. Snooki’s hair is taller than she is, her skin is so tan it looks purple, and she took a punch in the face by a guy at a bar, yet still continued to go out and party the next night. That’s my kind of girl! Ain’t nothing gonna bring Snooki down!
“The Situation” looks like he’s a hard 40 and spends his nights “creeping” on girls. I do give him some credit, though, because he loves to cook and frequently makes huge meals for all the roommates. Gotta love a man who can cook, although with all that gel in his hair, I’m always scared he’s going to catch on fire when he’s grilling out.
There are also two roommates who met on the show and starting dating. He’s a breakdown of their relationship…make out, say you can’t live with one another, get drunk, start fighting with each other, get super pissed and break something. Yes, Jersey love is beautiful yet turbulent.
There are two more guys on the show, but they blur together for me because because all I see are tans and tattoos and there’s another girl who looks like a stripper in the making who, shockingly, cheated on her boyfriend with one of the roommates. Those Jersey girls just can’t be trusted!
I must say, I have never in my life had the desire to visit the Jersey Shore and now I REALLY never want to go there. I am too pale and too Midwestern to ever fit in and I think they’d all kick my ass as soon as I crossed the border. I’m staying right here in Illinois where everyone is an upstanding and amazing human being…riiiiiight.
We Could Certainly Party With The Haitians
“So like, right now for example. The Haitians need to come to America. But some people are all, “What about the strain on our resources?” Well it’s like when I had this garden party for my father’s birthday, right? I put R.S.V.P. ’cause it was a sit-down dinner. But some people came that like did not R.S.V.P. I was like totally buggin’. I had to haul ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food, and squish in extra place settings. But by the end of the day it was, like, the more the merrier. And so if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians. And in conclusion may I please remind you it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty. Thank you very much. “
Cher from the movie “Clueless”
My sister works for Cars.com and she and her sales team won a trip to the Dominican Republic for being the best sales people ever or something like that ( I wasn’t really paying attention when she told me why she was going). She was very much looking forward to having fun in the sun while the rest of us snowbirds in Illinois suffered through sub-zero temperatures.
They left last week and everything was fine and dandy. That is, until a devastating earthquake hit Haiti causing one of the worst natural disasters to ever hit planet earth. You would think my family would be worried sick because the Dominican Republic is connected to the same island as Haiti, but luckily for us, none of us realized this geographical fact.
Even when she put out a message on her Facebook stating that she was safe and okay, we were all like, “Um, why did she write this?” In fact, my first reply to her status was, “Hope you’re having a blast!” Am I a fucking idiot or what? It wasn’t until my mom called me (she finally figured it out) that I put two and two together. I quickly went back and deleted my comment and added the more thoughtful, “I’m so glad you are safe!”
Am I ashamed that no one in my family knows where the hell any countries are at? Absolutely not, because ignorance is bliss and if I had known the two countries were right next to each other I would have been worried sick. By the way, she and her team were fine and made it home yesterday safe and sound.
Now, if you don’t want to be a total douche, then make a donation to one of the many organizations that are heading up relief efforts in Haiti. A very easy thing to do (I just did it) is to text the word “Haiti” to 90999. This will send a $10 donation to The Red Cross and it shows up on your next phone bill. I Googled it first, just to make sure it was legit, and it is. In fact, The Red Cross had already raised more than 8 million dollars by doing this. A couple of minutes after you send the text, they send a text back and you reply “Yes” to confirm. That’s it!
